Missing Mom by: linda m.p. carlson
Missing Mom
Thinking ahead to Mother's Day
by: linda marie pharaoh-carlson ©copyright, April 2004, all rights reserved
The other day as I stood at the counter making last minute preparations for our Easter Dinner, a photo flashed upon the broad screen of my mind.
Out of nowhere, it just popped up.
It was of a little preschool girl dressed up with a very lovely multi-floral Easter bonnet, and kneeling behind her was a plump little woman, also similarly adorned, but in a much more flashy chapeaux, that was probably taller than the little girl standing. It seemed to rival any "Cat's Hat" out there as far as height, style and p'nash! She had her arms wrapped around the little girl.
How strange and yet so familiar it all seemed. Afterall, the little girl was me. And my mom was the creator of said hats of many garnishments. She had made her own and mine that matched (except for height), to wear in the ladies annual Easter Hat Regalia, in the small town in which we lived. I can barely recall any of that time, but...I do recall how much joy my mom had in participating in these events, and that joy spilled over onto me, and... how wonderfully creative and talented she was.
My eyes welled up with tears for a brief moment with the words uttered under my breath, "I wish I could have known you mom". I am now 56 years old as of this year, and I have missed out on forty some years of my mother's wonderful creativity and talent. I lost her to cancer when I had barely turned 15 years of age. And so now, after marrying, having two children, (grand children she never got to meet in life), and plunging headlong into senior citizens status myself, as-it-were, I realize more each day, just how much missing that really is.
She was just the most remarkable woman. She could hear a new song played once on the radio and go to the piano and sit down and play it beautifully! She wrote the most wonderful poetry that I've ever read. She made things like blue ribbon Easter Parade hats (yes, she really did win a blue ribbon for that aforementioned mile-high hat), and...her May baskets were second to none!
I remember mama playing accompaniment for many of our school musicals, and the time that Donna Miller fainted on stage while mom, not realizing what had happened, played merrily away. And, I remember the awards I received for the big black cat once, and the Aunt Jemima costumes mom had created in grade school for me at Halloween. The saturday night dances in the Ogden City Hall, where mom played in the band and I danced around the floor on my dad's shoes until I got tired enough to crawl up on the coat-covered chair racks to fall fast asleep until it was time to go home.
These were all part of the memories that came flooding in like the tide there at that very moment, standing at the kitchen counter by the sink.
I was able to have tiny bits of mom to carry me on through life, but oh...what I wouldn't give to have had her standing beside me in my journey along the way. Back then, I knew who she was.
She was my mom.
I would have loved knowing her as Marie, the beautiful, talented woman with hopes and dreams of her own, destined-for-great-things-that-could-have-been-if-only-person, that she was. I could have learned so much more - from this fascinating woman that gave me life.
I loved her then, and love her memory now. Only now, I maybe, sorta, kinda, just might know her better, since I have ALL these years of womanly wisdom racked up to my credit.
And I write this just to let someone know what an important influence this woman, Vida Marie Pharaoh, has had in my life through these many years.
Even in her absence, she's been there for me.
I used to look up at the stars and think of them as the households of heaven. And, that the light that came from within each one was someone's loved one up there cleaning and making ready the rooms for all of those who would "come home soon", and I just knew that my mom's 'house' was the one that sparked brightest in the moonlit sky, as she prepared our rooms and all of our special things for us. She was up there taking all the great care that she put in that little girl's Easter Bonnet, into welcoming her family back to her one day.
And today, in the bright evening starlight, these 56 year old eyes still look heavenward and see "mom's place" sparkle with that welcoming light. And I can tell that it is going to be such a wonderful reunion one day. We will have over 40 years to catch up after all.
And who knows? She just may be wearing one of her wonderful Easter Bonnets when I get there!
Linda resides in Iowa with her hubby of almost 40 years. They recently moved to a tiny little river-valley community not far from where she was born. They plan to spend their retirement years there together watching the squirrels, birds, chipmunks, deer and raccoons that drop by each night to the Carlson Family wildlife All-You-Can-Eat, Diner.
Linda has published works at 2theheart, and her poem 'The Dancer' was chosen by it's readers as one of the popular works to be included in the recently published 2theheart book, compiled by Susan Fahncke. She has also published stories, such as 'Roving Bed'lam'@ mind-mills/perspectives, 'Life Chapters', 'My Sad Familiar', and many others, as well as several Poems in a variety of venues. She continues compiling her life's works to be published (an on-going endeavor)at a later date.
She is the owner of three online communities, including this one, and working on a fourth. (A support and help community for those with the puzzling and frustrating disorders of CFIDS and FMS and other Related Immune Dysfunction Illnesses). She's been administrator to a previous support group of this type and of a Grief and Loss Community as well.
You can reach Linda by clicking on the "Expressions" click link and sending her an e-mail any time.
